Out there, where my dreams pretend, reality is erased. There I begin. Moving forward slowly – a kitten learning about my eyes – I venture into the night and listen to the voice of the stars; whispering ever faster that a new dawn will appear.
I reinvent my being, sighting something rising – a hesitant light defining a form… The fear in my sighs echoes from entering a world remembered by pain and loss. Still, it sustains me: dreams of woman, home, kiss, me. The unforeseen. Intentions famished in needing now. All inventions embellished and cautious in the light’s first touch.
Under weight of that, I approach the fountain – sweet and filling – aware of the all reality surrounding my new moment. Puzzled in the presence of she, my idiot inner child paralyzes me. My anxious desire misinterprets me. So I build better terror, banish hope, consider calm soul or frenzy, and get nowhere. Shuddering fantasy: woman is evaporating me in the heat of her smile. Waving.
Thus I burn to howl. Howl. The barrier between what is and what will be denies me. I can sense the possibility, but lack the magic to penetrate and cross over. Thus I masturbate with magazines, suffer premonitions, and lose myself to visions that continually fill my night… Light. Chance. Crying for hope. Faith for a connection. Interrogating her sight, glance, wave, hello. Fire in my new conscience: judge, victim, awe. All three scream. How can I appeal now? I am my own accuser. Should this new dawn appear, what will I see? Petitions, allegations, fears, and desire consume me. Useless. Useless to close my eyes and hold on to the time love hurt: ludicrous to assume that pain will revisit. Still I fragment. Hoping the next she will companion and help recreate me. My mood for commitment – bread and water – builds in me. Hungry for the sun. Love in her sighs and mine. To touch. Better consciousness. A present where past and future burn in the moment: everything whispering toward eternity.
Out there, where reality fades, I learn to care. I convinced me that if the light finds me – if her eyes consume me – I will try to be. Best I can. Woman, my contrary, my compliment; will shower my thunder as the moments climb… The ruins of me reconstructed in the dominion of unity. Love.
And in this beginning, I set down words – considering them and exploring me for the coming day.